gathered from Fidonet and the Internet
Q. How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two flutists/oboeists/fretless bassists playing the same note.
Q. What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up the oboe.
Q. What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.
Q. Why do clarinetists keep their cases on the dashboard?
A. So they can park in the handicapped
Q. What's the definition of a nerd?
A. Someone who owns his alto clarinet.
Q. What do you call a trombone player with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
Q. How do you get a trombone to sound like a French horn?
A. Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.
Q. What's the definition of a Gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the trombone, and doesn't.
Q. What's the range of a tuba?
A. Ten yards, if you have a good arm.
Q. What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A. A drummer.
Q. What does the violist say when he gets to his gig?
A. Would you like fries with that?
Q. What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A. Drool.
Q. How are a violists fingers like lightning?
A. Neither strikes the same place twice.
Q. How can you tell if a viola is out of tune?
A. The bow is moving.
Q. What do violists use for birth control?
A. Their personality.
Q. How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.
Q What do you call 100 violists at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
Q. What's the difference between a violin and a cello?
A. The cello burns longer.
Q. What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A. The dead person's on the inside of a coffin.
Q. Why did the violist get mad at the timpanist?
A. He had turned a tuning peg, and wouldn't tell which one.
Q. What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
A. Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.
Q. How does a soprano change a light bulb?
A. She just holds it, the rest of the world revolves around her.
Q. How do you get a guitarist to turn down?
A. Put some music in front of him.
Q. What's the difference between a chainsaw and a saxophone?
A. Vibrato.
Q. Why are violins smaller than violas?
A. They aren't, violinists' heads are bigger.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.
A2: Six: One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists
who are hogging the light.
Q. How many vintage guitar collectors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. Even thought the light bulb is defective, replacing it with a
modern bulb would lower the value of the entire ceiling.
Q. How do you know when a drummer's knocking at your door?
A. He can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
Q: How do you get a drummer to keep good time?
A: Buy him a watch.
Q: How do you know when there's a guitar player at your front door?
A: The knocking just keeps getting louder and faster.
Q: How do you know when there's a "chick singer" at your front door?
A: No matter what you do, she always comes in at the wrong time.
Q: What's the difference between a trombone and a lawnmower?
A: It's easier to find work in the summer with a lawnmower.
Q: How do you know when the drum riser is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None...Alesis makes a machine that's more reliable.
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five: One to screw it in, and four to bitch 'cause it's electric.
Q: How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five: One to screw it in, and four to bitch 'cause they didn't get to
solo first.
Q: How many Deadheads does it take to put in a light bulb?
A: 10,001. 1 to replace the bulb, and 10,000 to follow the burnt-out
one around.
Q: What do a drummer and a condom have in common?
A: It's safer to have one around, but it feels better without one!
Q: What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer
please come to the stage!"
Q. How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One to hold it, and the world revolves around him...
A Kid says to his Mom "When I grow up I want to be a drummer".
Mother replys, "Oh son, You can't do both".
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Here's one for bass players (60's era):
Missionary and guide walking through jungle here drums playing.
Missionary say's "I wish the drums would stop." Guide says "No
want drums to stop!". Days go by with no let up in the drums and
missionary is going insane. "Please make the drums stop!" he
screams. Guide replies "No want drums to stop." The missionary
asks "For Gods sake why not?". The guide replies "After drums,
bass solo!"
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***** WARNING: THE FOLLOWING JOKE, ALTHOUGH IT DOES RELATE TO *****
MUSIC, IS EXTREMELY "POLITICALLY INCORRECT," NOT TO
MENTION GENDER-INSENSITIVE. IF SUCH JOKES OFFEND YOU,
PLEASE MOVE ON TO THE NEXT MESSAGE NOW!
Q: What do you call a bunch of lesbians with guns?
A: Militia Etheridge.
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What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza ?
The pizza can feed a family of four!
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