During the Christmas holidays on 1995 a heavily crossposted thread called "ANIMAL LOVERS PLEASE READ" appeared on several newsgroups. Much of the original post is replicated in Gardner Trask's reply, presented below. __________________________________________________________________________ mr@umd.umich.edu wrote a stirring tale about his/her cat: As a public service, Gardner S. Trask III, president of the _Internet Academy of ASCII Art_ will now interpret this post for our hard-of-literacy viewers: >"ABOUT three weeks ago, four days before Christmas," _________________________________________________________ | | | De-scam-ber 1995 | | | |_______________________________________________________| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | 1 | 2 | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |_______|_______|_______|_______|_______|_______|_______| | | | | | | | | | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |_______|_______|_______|_______|_______|_______|_______| | | | | | | | | | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |_______|_______|_______|______||=======||______|_______| | | | | || || | | | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 || ** 21 || 22 | 23 | | | | | || Dead || | | | |Chanukah | ||cat day|| | | |_______|_______|_______|______|| ||______|_______| | | | | ||=======|| | | | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | | | | | | | | | | | X-Mas | << ------------ Kwanzaa ---------{ | |_______|_______|_______|_______|_______|_______|_______| | | | | 31 | | | | | | }-->> | | |_______|_______________________________________________| >"I found what I thought was a dead cat out on the road in front of > farmhouse." ~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~ /\ ~~~~ | | ~~~ _____|__|_____ /^\ ____ / \ / \ | | / \ / \ | | / \ / () \| | / \ / \ | / \ / \ | / --------------- \ / ____ ____ \| /| |\ /|\ /| |\ / | | | | \ | | \ / | \ / | | /| | | | | |\ | | \/ | \/ | | | | | | | | | | /\ | /\ | | | ---- ---- | /| | / \ | / \ | | | | / | |/ \|/ \| | | | / | --------------- | | ____ ______ | / | | | | | | | | / | ---------------------- | | | | |[][]| | / | |\ /| | | | | | | | | /| | | \ / | (__) | | | ---- | .| | | | | \ / | (o o) | | | | | | | | | \ / | (..) moo | | () | | | | | | / \ |____\/____| | | ( ) | | | | | | / \ | | | |_( ~ )_|____|_| | | |/ \ | | | ________/________\______________ ______________________________________________________________________ \_\ ^^ ~(__)(xx) / / -`~~ _____________________________________________________________________ >"The cat, a small black tabby, was not moving and contorted in a > weird position (even for a cat!!!)" __..--''``---....___ _..._ __ /// //_.-' .-/"; ` ``<._ ``.''_ `. / // / ///_.-' _..--.'x \ `( ) ) // // / (_..-' // (< x ;_..__ ; `' / /// / // // // `-._,_)' // / ``--...____..-' /// / // >"Luckily, I heard a faint cry from > the poor thing, which immediately sent me to the house for a blanket > and box." ______________________ / _ ,/| /| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ / |'\`o 0' _ / | ~ Ramada Inn ~ / | =(_*_)= ( "Aak" / | ~ ~ / | )U( _) / | blanket ~ * * ~ / | / \( / | ~~ ****** ~~ _______(/`_'\)_________ X | ~ * * ~ | | P / ~ * * ~ | | / ~ ~ | | / ~ * ~ | Pixel-Stix Brand | / ~ ** * ~ | (r) | / ~ * * ~ | |/ ~~ ******* ~ |______________________| Box ~ ~~ ~ ~__________~___ ~ ~_~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >"THE cat had obviously been run over by a car." \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^ \v^v^\ |\ _,,,---,,_ \v^v^\ /x`.-'`' -. ;-;;,_ \v^v^\ |x4- ) )-,_. ,\ ( `'-' \v^v^\ '---''(_/--' `-'\_) \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ ( Like, who didn't see \v^v^\ \v^v^\ this one coming? ) >"I immediately called the Humane Society to arrange for treatment. > After describing the extent of the cat's injuries, the Humane Society > could only prescribe one solution -Euthanasia. " { } { } \\ ____ // / \ | () ()| | | \ '` / | | "" // "" \\ { } { } ) ^. ,. ~ ) __ T."-._..---.._,-"/| ~ ) ( ) l|"-. _.v._ (" | ~ ____________)__ ( ) [l /.'_ \; _~"-.`-t ___________/ | |---- ) Y " _(X} _{X)._ ^.| <___________| | | | | | | ) j T ,--. T ] \_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|---- ) \ l ( /-^-\ ) ! ! ) ( ) \. \. "~" ./ /c-..,__ ) (--) ^r- .._ .- .-" `- . ~"--. ) > \. \ ) ] ^. \ 3 . "> . Y ,.__.--._ _j \ ~ . ; | ( ~"-._~"^._\ ^. ^._ I . l "-._ ___ ~"-,_7 .Z-._ 7" Y ; \ _ /" "~-(r r _/_--._~-/ / /,.--^-._ / Y "-._ '"~~~>-._~]>--^---./____,.^~ ^.^ ! ~--._ ' Y---. \./ ~~--._ l_ ) \ ~-._~~~---._,____..--- \ ~----"~ \ \ \ >"Now, while I'm not a typical "Bunny Hugger," somehow I > could not bring myself to do this. What came next was a call to a > private vet, who would mend "Lucky's" broken hip and treat her internal > injuries." >"OUR problem? The bill from the vet for surgery has totaled over $900." ____________________________________________________ | | | Invioce Dr. Ima Fraud | | 123 Scam Ave. | | Shamsville | |___________________________________________________| | | | | | | | | | Take care of one cute little | | | | cuddly kitten. Poor little | | | | kitty cat had big bad boo boo. | | | | Nice lady bring im in da puddy | | | | tat. Nice lady now pay | | | | exorbitant fees becaus um berry | | | | mean vet won't cut 'em costs. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | Total | |$ 900 | | | | | _____________________________________________________ >"We initally thought that, since the vet's office knew of Lucky's plight, > that some discount would be in order. After all was said and done, > however, we were charged full price and told by the doctor that, since > the clinic was part of a franchise, there was "nothing" he could do." ** ****** ** ** ** ** ** All Day ** * * * SUCKER!!! * ** ** ** ** ** ** ***** /{|}\ / \ /~~~~~~~\ | | | | | | | | | | | | >"WE'RE asking all people with compassion for animals to send $1 to help > us with Lucky's bill. " ..... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . EVEN BIGGER . . . . ALL . . . .. DAY .. /----------------------- .. .. / | .. SUCKER !!!! .. / Sale Price: | .. .. / || | .. .. / $||$ 111 | .. .. / $ || $ 1111 | ....... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ $|| 11 11 | / \ \ || 11 | / \ \ ||$ 11 | /~~~~~~~~~~ \ \ $ || $ 11 | | | \ $||$ 11111111 | | | \ || | | | \----------------------- | | | | | | | | | | |__| >" Initally, we were going to give Lucky away, but we have bonded with > her during her care, and on Christmas, he gave me her as a present. > . ,'$$i Jb<$$$$. . $F`????? /<$$c, .,cd$$$$$$$$$cr. ,ccc zF<$$$$+ d$$$$$$$$P???$$ $Lcu ,d$$$$$.?$c, ,`$$P,c$L`"".$ $$$F $$$$$,?.$$><$$$$$$c`"?P",$$$$$$$$$$:F,$F ?$$$$$$$$$`$$$$$$$$$$$P?$$$$$$$$P"' " $c$$$$$$$$$,?$$$$$$$$$$$$z, `"""'.,,,,, `$$$$$$$$$$$,?$$$$$$$$$$$$$$=`,zd$ClcJ" 3$$$$$$$$$$$,"?$$$$$$$$P"z e$$CzeeF?$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$c`??$$P",d$.$$$$$$$$F " J$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$b= c$$$$,?$$PF"" " J$$?$$$$$$$$$P",d$$$$$$$$c-,u ?" ?$$";??",c$$$$$$$$$$$'c$$h. "x$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$P.d$$$h. ,d$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$P"z$$$$$?L 4F .,ucc$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$F,z$$$$$$$F ,$L ,zd$$$$$$$$$$$$$hh??$PF',zd$$$$$$$$P$, z$$" z$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$'c$$$$$$$$$$$$$F`" (~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~) ) **** | | ***** ( | | ( ( * * | | ** *** ) | | ) )* * | | * * ( | | ( ** * * |*****| * * * ) | | ) * * * ** ** * ( | | ( * **** *** ** * ) | | ) * *** * * ** * ( | | ( * ** * ** * *** ) | | ) )* **** ***** ** ** ( | | ( ( *** * | | *** ) | | ) ) *** | | ( | | ( ( | | ) | | ) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ \ /---------------------------- \ / To: My dear wife | \ / | \/ From: A cheap bastard | /\~~ that would give | \ you a cat that | \ you found anyways. | \ | \ Merry Christmas | \---------------------------- >"PLEASE send to - ___ > Lucky The Cat _.-| | |\__/,| (`\ > c/o ACME Catnip Co. { | | |o o |__ _) ) > Overdue Accounts Dept. "-.|___| _.( T ) ` / > Shamsville, MI .--'-`-. _((_ `^--' /_< \ > Attn: Ms. Grifter" .+|______|__.-||__)`-'(((/ (((/ >"WE apologize for posting this across USENET, but we felt that this needed to be told." "us" / / / / / ||\\ / / \ / | | |/ r \ \ r^- - |\---- | |---/| / | | | \ - - - - - ( / / ) - - - - - - - - - - - - \ | | / - - - - - __-----^----| |----^--#----+ H | | # / / \ \ { / * \ -/ / 9\ \- { | | } { } { } # ^ } { } { }-\__---\____-----#-{ } {^_^} v{-_-} {*_*} v(0_0} __________________________ End Article _______________________ We at the _Internet Academy of ASCII Art_ hope you heve benefited from this pictoral rendition of this seasonal heartwarming tale. We ask however that if you must be fleeced^H^H^H^H^H^H generous with your money, that you consider enrolling in our Internet school. Admission is tight, but space can be made for the students with enourmous asset^H^H^H^H^H talent. Just fill out out easy to draw application form below. Much thanks, Gardner S. Trask III President (Special thanks to Dr. Science) ___________________________________________________ | | ___ | | ___ | _ Internet Academy of ASCII Art _ | ___ | | | | |_________ | | Draw "Ren" | | | | | | | | ,| |__ | | f\ . ,- / | | \ | | | \_|f,,-/ |-. | | | | ,'-. ,-. `. | | | | (,-. ,-. Y | | | | f Yf Y | ,----. | | | | l 0 jl 0 j l | Oh | |__/ | | ,,-`-' `-' Y | joy! | | | | | ,-'"""`-. ,--. I \ ,--' | | | | ( ) _,-' \ l // | | | | `-,.__,,'''". . / Y Y --='' | | | | ( . ,'\ | | | | | | `.__,-._,,-l"\ Y | | | | | | _ _ / / \ j j -l | | | | f f f f\ `-' f \ | | | | l 'j Y l \ | | | | Y_ _j /j Y . \ | | | | (___)/f | \ Y | | | | | | | | Y | | | | | l ` | | j j | | | | `--'| | /__/ | | | | | | (_ ) | | | | l j / |-. | | | | \ . / ( . . ` ) | | | | l`._ / \_\_\_/ | | | | \ "`----' / | | | | `._ f | | | | | `""-. | | | | | | | Y | | | | | __j l__j `-. | | | | ,'' ,' Y | | | | l l j | | | | ....`--------`--------' ........... | | | | | || |_________________________________________________|_|| | Close cover before stiking match | | | ______ | | | | | |================================================ | | |================================================ || |================================================ || |_________________________________________________|| -- Gardner S. Trask III trask@world.std.com "First .cultured man on the Internet" alt.culture.gard-trask rahubby@sonic.net - Elf of the redwoods, sez "I don't crosspost. I post Followups to other people's Crossposted posts on occasion."